Are You Hard of Hearing?

Did you hear what I heard?  There are many different degrees of hearing loss, from slight to profound. I know I’m lucky that mine, although more than slight, is not profound. The hearing doctor believed it’s a side-effect from having the Measles when I was about eight years old.  I say “about” because my eighth year was the most tragic year of my life. It was the year my dad died, just two months after my eighth birthday.

Until recently, I believed the line between the “before” and “after” periods in my life was caused by the loss of my father. However, I’m now convinced the horror of the time that followed was due to being consciously unaware of my hearing loss, failing to understand. Do we refuse to accept our handicaps in order to cope?

Many years later, in my thirties, I was married with four children when my husband remarked on my hearing. I decided to get tested. Not that I hadn’t been accused of  it before, the crucial difference being “accused”, as though I was willfully refusing to hear. My mother’s most famous line was “You hear when you want to!” Other remarks were more critical “Why don’t you pay attention!” Some remarks were more derogatory.

I’d heard the derogatory remarks aimed at my eldest brother and only sister, the first two children in our family, as both suffered from severe hearing loss. I witnessed people being rude to them and decided I would NOT be hard of hearing. This was more subconscious than not, of course, as I simply incorporated lipreading and close attention in my interactions with others. In fact, the hearing doctor pointed out the soreness in my shoulders, which I thought I’d always had, “Your whole body strains to hear.”

My mother had keen hearing but she thought our dad’s hearing suffered somewhat. If we had a hereditary weakness toward hearing loss it likely came from his side of the family. When the next generation (at least three grandchildren, one deaf in one ear, two others profound) suffered hearing losses, the hereditary factor seemed evident. Of course as children, all of us suffered colds and ear infections, as children tend to do. It appears that for some, they may have led to a degree of deafness. My own son, who as an Air Force Officer, served twenty-some years as a Navigator, near retirement suffered a mild hearing loss. Those planes made a lot of noice!

But, on to the consequences of the hearing loss in my own life, which I can’t claim to be a common occurrence. It’s taken me years to come to these conclusions but I’ll share them as I believe them to be true. Before my bout with the Measles or my dad’s death I was a “straight A” student, afterwards my grades fell drastically. I know that sometimes I didn’t hear the teacher correctly. I also remember somebody talking to me on a phone. I heard a voice but could not understand what it said even though it kept repeating stuff. I was embarrassed and began to withdraw socially.

Think about it, you who are not hard of hearing. You’re embarrassed at having folks around you repeat things to a point that you may pretend to understand (“understanding” wrongly!). They may think you are (gasp!) retarded. Although I worked part-time during high school as a waitress, or in the movie-house as a ticket-taker or usher, and worked in offices later, earning good reviews in all of them, my attention and lip-reading being a big help, I often questioned what I heard. I often repeated myself, not sure if the other person heard what I said.  My hearing loss changed me before I ever knew I suffered from it.

As far as hearing aids go, it’s only been within the past few years that a new one came along which  worked  well for me. I was grateful from the time I began wearing them that they helped but my older siblings were not so lucky.  For years there were no good aids for nerve loss, which is undoubtedly what they also suffered from. They are quite expensive and many lower-income people can’t afford them.

I believe all our life experiences work together to help us become who we really are.  If so, both my love of reading and loss of hearing have led me to express who I really am.

Lost Yet Found: My Inner Journey – Part 3

“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the years and of the season of which we are born.  Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.”    The Swiss psychologist and psychiatrist Carl Jung was one of the major forces responsible for bringing psychological(having to do with the mind and its processes) thought and its theories into the twentieth century.

My timid search for what lay behind the door in the back of my mind eventually led me to the study of Astrology: I’m now an advanced student, still learning.  Over the past few years professional astrologers have explored the meaning of newly discovered bodies called Dwarf Planets or  minor planets, along with specific asteroids and Trans-Neptunian (Kuiper Belt) Objects.  When I checked the ephemerides for their positions at the time of my birth I was amazed at how they tended to explain my natal chart.  Indeed “as above so below”.

Today Huya the Rainmaker, a TNO,  is transiting both my Lunar Return Midheaven and my natal Moon.  A New Moon arrived a few days ago, following my Lunar Return.

Although Huya was named for a Venezuelan rain god, different tribes of indigenous peoples throughout many countries have been adept at making rain.  The shamanic or spiritual way was once practiced worldwide. It used intention, prayers and ceremony to open the heart and mind of the seeker to contact unseen forces that exist in nature.  Most Native American tribes also included a rainmaker. In the shamanic tradition a person could become a rainmaker after a long apprenticeship.

I have a long way to go but I feel I too am working on an apprenticeship. Whatever gains I may make in this life, I hope to carry over into my next incarnation.

My American Indian heritage is very scant. As far as I know it began when a great grandfather took a young Cherokee bride way back in the pioneer days in the southern mountains of Appalachia.  Her name did not survive in our genealogy yet a legend was born.  Traces of her has appeared ever since through one descendant or another.  Not only in physical traits but also in spirit.

For instance I had a great grandmother who was a “Bee Charmer”.  My mother told me Great Grandma Polly Stamper could walk among the bee hives unprotected, talking gently to the bees and they gave her all the honey she wanted.  Whereas Great Grandpa could cover up from head to toe and still get stung. 

I’ve never felt an affinity with bees but I have always loved the rain.  The crashing thunder sending a thrill through my body, flashes of lightening across the sky bringing anticipation of things yet to come.    

I have hope for the future.

To be continued.

Lost Yet Found: My Inner Journey – Part 2

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

During the birth of my youngest child I had an out-of-body experience.  She was breech, the labor had ceased and the doctor was struggling to deliver her.  I suddenly found myself in the corner ceiling of the room, watching.  “Mother!” my doctor said sharply and I was instantly back in my body.  While I watched from above I was filled with an incredible joy.  In those few moments I knew the answer to everything.  I had complete understanding which no words could express.

 “You are a soul with a body, not a body with a soul”
Francisco Coll

Your body is made up of the things of earth right now, but the real you, the soul, is part of the Universe, the All, or as described by religion, God (symbolized by the solar system on the chart). Whatever you call it, you can learn to consciously tap into it and use the wisdom to enrich your daily life. The moment a person finishes their job here on earth, or when a person becomes so confused that they destroy their body, the connection between the soul and the physical body is severed. When you pass on, your body remains here and goes back to dust because it is composed of the things of planet earth. Your soul, the real you, will leave the earth because the law of gravity cannot keep it here anymore. The soul or intelligent vibration no longer has a physical body to serve as an anchor, so it moves out and returns to the universe or the All. The person of science calls it the universe or the cosmos, while the religious person calls it God. No matter what you call it, you are one with it. There is no separation. The only separation we have is the one we think we have. Once you understand that your physical body cannot exist without oxygen, the rays of the sun, the vegetation, or the pressures of the universe, you’ll realize you are the total component of all things. Religion says you are the expression of God, and science says you are the total component of the universe.   The Inner Peace Movement, Dr. Francisco Coll

I didn’t realize for a while I had opened the strange door in the back of my mind.  Since the few moments were so brief I suspected my imagination had played a trick on me.  Later I made friends with a woman who belonged to an occult book club.  She loaned me books in one of which I read about out of body experiences.  Also learning of other paranormal experiences that seemed familiar.  The door in the back of my mind began to open wider.

One night the friend visited and we discussed contents of the books.  I was surprised one was written by Arthur Conan Doyle; he was a spiritualist as well as the creator of Sherlock Holmes!  Shortly after my friend returned to her own apartment I felt a cold draft surround me. Then I began to feel as if some foreign entity was trying to get into me through my eyes.  I kept them lowered, ducked my head and slowly slid along the wall to the phone to call my friend.  She returned.  “Why is it so cold?” she asked.  “Did you have the patio door open?”

“No,” I said.  She came through the door into the hallway which was toasty warm; no outside door had been opened.  Still keeping my head bent I told her about the fear that had come over me, of something trying to reach me through my eyes.  “Get your Bible,” she said. I did.

She turned to the 23^rd Psalm and began to read aloud.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Although I came from a Christian home and had memorized this Psalm in Sunday school I hadn’t realized it was used to ward off evil.  Later I learned there are other such verses in the Bible.  Thankful for the protection of the Lord’s Prayer, I admitted I was not quite ready to finish opening the door in the back of my mind.  Not yet.  But some day I would be.

 To be continued

 

Lost Yet Found: My Inner Journey – Part 1

“Now, each event of which you are aware is already a translation of an inner event, a psychic or mental event that is perceived by the soul directly but translated by the physically oriented portions of the self into physical sense terms.”   Seth Speaks, the Eternal Validity of the Soul by Jane Roberts

As a child I had several experiences of “seeing things”.  One vision was lovely and comforting yet the next one was frightening.  So much so that I built up a resistance to seeing things.  I kept an eye out just in case something scary tried to appear, to let the bad things know they weren’t welcome.  Which worked, mostly.  Only a few managed to get through the barrier over long periods of time.

I also carried an image in my mind of a closed door at the end of a tunnel with a light shining from beneath it. Even though I wondered what was behind the door I had no intention of opening it. I was afraid of what I might see.

All of which began to change after I married and had children.  I began to question my former beliefs. Things I had assumed to be true.  I started on a long journey of self-discovery.  What did I know for sure?  Not much.  Eventually I opened the strange door in my mind.  I would later learn it was the first of many more to come.

I tackled the subject of religion.  I’d grown up in the Protestant church but had been impressed by a visit to a Catholic church with a friend.  I loved the grandeur, the ceremony, the priests in their robes, the beauty and elegance.  I made an appointment with a priest. I told him I was considering raising my children in the church.  He said I would have to become a Catholic first and gave me some materials to take home and read.  I read the material and realized I couldn’t believe all of it.  Since he’d said I had to believe what was in the materials, I realized I couldn’t become a Catholic.

The children’s father left such decisions to me.  They were still toddlers, all four under five years of age, the third and fourth being twins.  So I felt we still had plenty of time to decide which church to join. Meantime we said grace at meals.  At Christmas time their father read the story of Christ’s birth to them.  They were, of course, sweet adorable children. I was very proud of them.

One day it came to me that all I really had to pass on to my children was who I was (since I had no wealth).  I not only should be a good example but also improve myself, try to become a person with the qualities I wanted to pass on to them.  Having always been an avid reader I read many of the self-help books popular at the time.  But I also read books which helped me to understand myself.  Which led to the next door in my mind.  I would open it to rediscover my early intuition and spirituality.

In the late Sixties and early Seventies Jane Roberts was contacted by an entity who called himself Seth.  She began writing the Seth books.  As I read them I found answers to many of my questions.

To be continued

Is The Me Too Movement Over?

Is the Me Too Movement over?  Is it too late, or is there a place where I can sign on.  I recently entered his name on Google and learned he died six months ago.  No, he wasn’t the one who did it to me but he was the one who changed his mind and finished destroying my self-esteem.  His obituary said he was 86 years old and had a full life.  Well, bully for him.  Although I’m not quite 80 I’ve had a full life too.  I had no choice but to go on.  What else do you do?  You pick up the pieces scattered about, grin and bear it.  Roll with the punches.

We had met and he’d romanced me, making me feel so loved!  Treating me like a lady. But we double-dated one night with his friend.  His friend told him.  Later I noticed a change, asked what was wrong.  He told me.  The friend had recognized me.  He had arrived at an alumni party of fraternity brothers and their dates.  I was passed out and they were searching for my panties.

Humiliated?  You bet.  All I remembered was arriving with my date, having one drink and waking up the next morning, sleeping bodies scattered about.  I woke one and asked him to take me home.  What else could I do?  It never occurred to me something had been in that drink.  I’d never heard of such things.  I assumed I’d had too much to drink.  As usual I blamed myself.  I’d learned early in life that anything that happened to me was my own fault.

I’d like to blame him, even though he’s dead.  Kick him in the gut for assuming I was trash, not the “nice girl” he had believed me to be.  But instead I hope he had a miserable life, married a girl who was actually a hooker, found out on their wedding night (since she wouldn’t let him before) that she was not a virgin.  I wish all kinds of evils on him for the time I suffered, licking my wounds until, on the surface I healed yet went on to make a few more bad choices.

But you know what?  I wouldn’t change the results of those later choices.  Because I’m a survivor.  I learned to love that innocent, naïve girl that I was.  Welcomed her into my life.  Along with the one who at age fifteen successfully fought off an attempted rape. I hit him over the head with my shoe and threatened him with my brothers.  “By God,” the asshat said.  “I never thought I could get a virgin!” and begged me to marry him.  The answer of course was ‘Hell no.”